When I was a kid 
I wanted to be older … This shit is not what I expected.

Can that quote be any truer? When we were younger, how many times did we sit and say, “I can not wait to grow up” or “I want to be older” – we couldn’t wait to achieve all of our goals and plans when we were older! We were tired of being told what to do, not old enough to get into bars or buy cigarettes, but old enough to drive and pretend that nothing could ever or would ever stop us. We were invincible.

Then all of a sudden LIFE HAPPENS. Collage, career decisions, marriages, babies and the list goes on… our goals get altered our view of life becomes skewed and then all of a sudden you’re sitting in an apartment at 29 years old getting ready to turn the dirty thirty and you’re thinking, “what the hell just happened?”

That’s where I am at right now. I am sitting here in an apartment thinking, “Life really kicked my ass.” I was having a really hard time turning the big 3-0. I had plans, I had so, so, so many plans and dreams that I wanted to fulfill and life as we know it, happened. My 20’s handed me a whole lot of “this shit is not what I expected!” It was full of happy moments, memories & achievements and then at the age of 26 I became every woman’s nightmare… a widow. In the midst of becoming a brand new Army Wife and feeling like nothing could ever stop me. My whole world came to an end.

I went through some dark times after I lost Joshua. I became someone I didn’t like; I allowed the death of my husband to consume me. I allowed the word “widow” define everything I was. I allowed a word to dictate how I was going to live my life.

Now I am sitting here thinking, that’s not who I am. Yes, I am a widow, yes I will always honor and do as much as I can in memory of my husband as I can … I want to take everything I felt and learned and embrace life. Joshua taught me so much while he was physically here and is still teaching me as he watches over me in the heavens above. While I could have turned something so tragic into a way of life and never really truly live – I decided to take those small steps forward and find out who Brittany really was and actually live.

And boy, did I live! Sitting here thinking the 20’s really sucked isn’t completely true. I went from the most tragic stricken, broken woman to a woman who actually knows who the hell she is. See, we go through a majority of our life trying to figure out who we are, where do we fit in and what we want out of life, but here is the hard truth… you are constantly growing and changing and you have a choice to decide if life events are going to dictate what kind of person you’re going to be. You have a choice to be the person you want to be to yourself and to everyone around you.

I have decided that I am not going to let those events dictate who I am. I have overcome so much and I feel that 30 is only the beginning to an amazing new chapter in my life. I am a warrior with a spirit that is unbreakable; I have a heart that loves like no one has ever felt… I have scars that are still tender with certain memories. I have had heartache, heartbreak and have been brought to my knees however; I never gave up on faith and hope. My 20’s didn’t entirely suck because towards the end it brought another amazing man into my life along with a future family that I cannot wait to make memories with.

God really does know what he is doing. Even in the midst of planning out our entire lives ourselves life happens. The hardest lesson I think I have ever had to learn. While I had a hard time with all the thoughts of where I should be in life and angry because it wasn’t what I had planned… look at the amazing life I already have and where it is going and the people it has brought it into my life, I just don’t know where I would be if I never met any of you. I am getting a second chance at everything I ever wanted in life and for that I am eternally grateful.

Turning the “Dirty Thirty” is not bad … scary? Yes. But, look how far I have come and all the amazing things I have to be grateful for. 20’s you can suck it… I am far to fabulous for you to bring me down. 30’s lets do this… we are going to kick ass.

BE BRAVE, MY DARLING
YOU HAVE FACED DARK TIMES BEFORE
AND YOU’RE STILL HERE NOW.
~C.T.L.~