“One day, your heart will stop beating, and none of your fears will matter. What will matter is how you lived.” – Henri Junttila

---

It’s been a little over three months since I had to put my best friend down (Cooper Hero). I have been trying to figure out my new norm without my battle. The one who was able to calm my anxiety, the one who could sense my emotions and lick away the tears and fears.

Since losing him I have had this overwhelming fear of death. A lot of people could joke and say, “he was just a dog… you’ll be fine.” But, Cooper was there for me about a month after I lost Joshua… when the numbness started going away and I had to deal with grief head on. He was there for every night terror, sleepless night and for every happy moment that came into my life afterwards. When he left a part of me left as well.

Death has consumed me, I can contribute some to the hysteria the media has put on the news (which I refuse to watch) with the pandemic going on. Anxiety that I don’t want anything to happen to my family… fear of something happening to me. It’s all normal feelings I know. However, not having Cooper right there next to me has just seemed to let those thoughts consume me.

I have been afraid to ride, drive and really do anything without Matthew and Lane right there next to me, which really isn’t fair to them. I have allowed anxiety, fear and depression to take over things that make me the happiest.

It happens.

It’s a season of change and growth and we all know exactly how I feel about change. I have to decide if I am going to cowgirl up or wallow. I survived a death of a husband, birth of child and Fort Drum… I can overcome this season of fear and doubt.

It’s time to cowgirl up.

It’s time for the new season of my life to change.

I am letting go of fear that holds me back in life and in the saddle. The saddle is the closest thing to heaven and my saving grace… I refuse to let fear ruin that for me.

I am changing how I view myself. I have been really hard on myself over the last year and it’s time that changes.

I am changing what I allow and WHO I allow in my life… This one has been one of the hardest lessons I have learned. There are people I have let in that I am regretting… time to let go of regret, that person and find more positive peopleto add to my tribe.

But, the most important thing is… I am not changing myself for others and not allowing opinions dictate who and what I am.

I am revamping my own self care.

It’s time to embrace who I am and everything I have been through. Take life and fear by the balls and start living.

The best view, comes after the hardest climb.

Carpe the Hell Out of Diem You Beautiful Souls.

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me…” – Psalm 23:4