“The hurt you embrace becomes joy. Call it to your arms where it can change.” 
-Rumi

Thursday, April 5, 2018 was Gold Star Spouses Day. I have taken the last couple of days to reflect on the last seven years… seven… it’s been seven years, this year that Joshua left this earth. Some days it feels like it happened yesterday and then there are the days it feels like seven years ago.

I wanted to write something on that day, but the words could never come to the surface. I have been battling anxiety of preparing for another change of Matthew coming home and then start packing to start our travels for our new adventures in Fort Drum, NY.

Then, I found myself sitting on my horse, the closest thing to heaven. Sitting and thinking about all that has transpired in the last seven years… 26 years old, new wife, new to the Army, plans for an entire future laid out. Then, waking up to everything changing, taken with a single bullet. Widowed, thinking, “well, shit… what do I do now?” Then fast forward to second chance at life, love and bringing life into this world.

It’s so easy to get wrapped up in yourself and make the pain, anger and hurt happen all over again – wallow in self-pity, find a dark corner and lick your wounds. I decided at that moment, that it was way too easy to get sucked into the vortex of grief all over again. I wasn’t going to focus on myself.

I was going to focus on the widows/widowers before me. The men and women that gave me hope that there was a light in all this darkness. There was a hope. I wanted to focus on the moms and dads that are doing everything alone. Trying to raise amazing warriors, praying that I am as faithful, strong and courageous as they are. That I teach Lane to never give up on God or himself and that faith will get you through your darkest moments.

I want to thank the widows and widowers that are fighting the fight of grief (no matter the beginning, middle or 20 years later). Thank you for not giving up and thinking there is no place for you here on this beautiful earth. Reminding us all that our soldiers would have wanted us to keep living, honoring and loving life.

I unfortunately know too many widows and widowers. But, I thank each of them… for their strength, love and presence has helped me through my journey with grief, no matter where I am in life. Sometimes I have leaned on you all, when you had no idea I was.

I feel like Gold Star is appropriate for those who lost a loved one in war or other. It’s as if we morph into a ball of fire, strength and courage that hangs high in the heavens to push each of us to our greatest potential. A galaxy of friendship, love and strength that so many people don’t understand. A life of pain, love, tears and laughter.

Everyday our Gold Star Families should be recognized. The years go by, people’s lives continue on – it’s easy to forget the pain that stays with all Gold Stars… even if they’re moving forward with life, making things happen and trying to keep their thoughts as positive as possible… especially on the days we want to give up on the most.

While I thank all my widows, widowers, family members, Army family and friends across the world. I give the biggest thank you to my guardian angel. Thank you, Joshua, for making me the woman I am today. For getting me to where I am now. It’s been a hell of a journey, but I couldn’t have done it without you. Seven years later I am becoming the warrior you always saw in me. Keep watching, keep pushing and thank you.

God bless every Gold Star Family Member. While I hate the reason we have met, I am beyond grateful for the opportunity to be in each other’s lives.

Today and every day we Carpe The Fuck Out of Diem. Keep being amazing, keep being the warrior that’s in all of us.