“Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love. For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone.” – Lamentations 3:32 – 33

---

When Joshua deployed I wrote him every week. I would send packs of cute cards and envelopes to “encourage” a letter back. I would run to the mailbox every day in hopes to get a little something even though we had email, Skype, etc. It’s different to get a handwritten letter from someone you love… Maybe it’s a lost art; maybe I think it’s just an extra personal touch to someone that means something to you. Whatever the meaning is, I would wait every week for a letter. After he died I can’t tell you the months I waited for one more letter to come through… something so I could have one final communication with him.

The last letter from him I received in September:

“I just wanted you to know how much I enjoyed the book that you sent me. From reading through it I get the impression that you might kind of like me a little bit. Seriously though, it definitely made me laugh and made me smile even more. I also like the coupons you sent; I am most looking forward to cashing in the coupon for a kiss in the rain. Thank you for everything you are doing back home and for taking care of me while I am here. Even though being away from you is hard, you have made being away from home much easier. I really do appreciate you and all that you do. I love you Brittany.

– Joshua
20Aug11”

I can hear him laughing as he wrote this. Making his serious face while writing.

When you survive loss, everyone is quick to tell you how strong you are, and how tough you must be. But, actually no one has a choice to survive grief, do they? It’s not an option; you just have to cry in the shower, sob into your pillow (or my horse) and pray you will make it. You starve, scream, push people away and make choices that aren’t always in the best interest for family members to know about.

When you’ve lived through the unexpected or out of order death of someone you love, your heart has, by definition, already been pushed too far. Your heart has been pushed beyond the limits of what most people, many people, will never ever have to endure. It either makes you bitter or better. You either chose to stop living or living for their memory and most of all… living for you.

The past 6 years have brought me to my knees, has torn my heart to shreds and has been pieced together with life, love and a new found appreciation for small moments that we might not get again. The past 6 years I have had people that knew Joshua tell me what a horrible person I was, I should be ashamed for moving forward and I should just stop talking about him… but, for every single negative comment (and thought) I have had an Army of support and love from people I can never thank enough. For giving me memories I never knew about Joshua, for giving me hope that there is good in the world and that no matter what, God brings you full circle to his love and that he never leaves your side… no matter how hard your heart is hurting.

God prepares you for your toughest battles and makes you a stronger person for everything that comes into your path, even when you don’t see it at first.

“Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.” – Psalm 31:9

This year is a little different in how I celebrate the life of Joshua. I am currently in South Alabama surrounded by family, my fancy, his kids and Lane. I normally hide, write and ride my horse (and cry a shit ton…it’s more than a lot). This year, I have had to face more changes, moves and now… a deployment. I haven’t said anything about it, praying that somehow the Army would change their mind and make it go away. While, I have been strong through everything, my heart and soul are breaking into a million pieces, praying for strength and protection through the next year.

Year 6 and grief. You’re a bitch. But, through everything, I will rise, and will only get stronger by this. All things are amazing and God’s grace is unfaltering. I will be writing more and sharing more about reliving a lifetime I was praying to not have to go through. I will continue to battle grief and figure out how to be strong for my family, myself and most of all, my soldier. However, Matthew has a pretty badass guardian angel!

This year, in memory of Joshua… I want you all to write a letter to someone you love. Write to a friend, spouse, partner, someone you don’t really know… tell them why they’re special and why you wanted to write them a letter. Take a picture and post it #MakingMemoriesToNeverForget #CPTJoshuaLawrence. Why? Because letters are personal and make people feel special. Through the hurt and hate that has been going on in the world, we could all take a moment to feel special… because we are and why not do it in memory of someone pretty incredible. Make sure you cheers a Shiner or take a shot of Jack!

This next year is going to be amazing, hard, but amazing. This year Carpe the Fuck Out of Diem.

Here is to life and here is to Joshua.

“I lift my eyes to the mountains. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, maker of Heaven and earth.” – Psalm 121