“Do not judge my story by the chapter you walked in on.” – Unknown

Thursday, 8 October 2020 marked 9 years … 9 years ago when my life changed at 6am after the doorbell rang, 9 years Joshua left this earth.

The morning I met two eyes that told me everything I needed to know before they could say it. The morning I closed the door, reopened the door to hear, “Mrs. Lawrence, we regret to inform you…” 

The moment I needed the world to stop moving, someone to slap me to wake me up from a nightmare I swear I was stuck in. The moment my future stopped, and a new chapter was beginning to unfold before my eyes. 

Let me begin telling y’all – grief took me to the depths of Hell. A point to where I am fairly certain I shook hands with the devil himself. I made horrible decisions, amazing decisions and had to make efforts in ignoring people who thought I wasn’t grieving the right way (that one is always my favorite).

The past 2 years I think, have been the hardest in my grief journey. I took a step back in my writing and my need to try to help others in their grief (or life trials) … I took mental time for myself. There was mental grief, I guess you can say, that I just never dealt with. It was time to saddle up and move into the next phase of healing.

Mental health has been my biggest focus. I had minor health issues, actually dealt with a miscarriage that I don’t openly talk about and started changing my “what-ifs” to “look how far I have come.” 

There was a moment when I wanted my world to stop. Living was not in my books for some time and I felt that everything that I have/had been through it was time to face some demons head on and really get myself mentally healthy.

How could I be everything to my family and live life to my full potential, if I don’t take care of me? How could I live for those who gave everything, if I am not mentally all there?

Self-care, self-love, mental care isn’t selfish. Denying yourself any kind of healing is dangerous. You gotta nourish to flourish. Self-care is being brave enough to take off the masks you wear out in the world and get to know who you really are. Being vulnerable enough to accept your flaws and understand they make you human. 

Being strong enough to put YOU first. 

Understanding that it’s ok if a new chapter of your story starts today. Those mistakes you’ve made along the way are lessons NOT failures. You were meant to get back up and find a way that resonates with you. There is no expiration date to re-inventing yourself.

I guess I have been re-inventing myself for the last 2 years and honestly it has been so liberating. To let the negative talk go, to reshape who and what you allow in your life really makes a difference in how you feel about yourself and how you live life.

How are we truly living for those who left this earth if we stay in the darkness of our own mindset?

So, here I am being as raw and vulnerable as I can be 9 years later… 9 years later and finally being able to beat my demons and actually live. Live for me, live for my family, live for those who gave everything … Live for Joshua. 

Here is to fighting demons, living life and truly being happy emotionally, mentally & spiritually.

Carpe the Hell Out of Diem You Beautiful Souls.

To Joshua, 

This year was a doozy, but I felt you there every step of the way.
You are loved, you are missed and you are remembered. 
Fly high my hero. Give Cooper Hero some pizza crust for me and give Grandma Cookie a hug.
Know, I am thriving. 
Cheers to you in the heavens.

Xo,
B