“Each time we embrace a memory, we meet again for those we love… for the heart never forgets.” – Flavia

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After Joshua died and I decided that it was time to put one foot in front of another, I decided to go to therapy. I had an incredible therapist who told me I should write to Joshua; write everything down that I was feeling…

So I started and on 18 July 2012 I wrote a journal entry to Joshua:

“So, I am reading a book – ‘I wasn’t ready to say Goodbye’ – and they talk about not dreaming and dreaming and sometimes communicating with your loved one that has crossed over to be home… I have received several messages from people who have said that they have seen you in their dreams. Why have I not seen you? Why have I not been able to talk to you, to know everything is ok and that you are home?
I want to have one dream to, one dream to know that I am making you proud and that somehow you know how much I love you. I am so scared of not feeling you anymore – not getting a whiff of you when I am lying in bed. I want you to know that you’re still there and that you’re watching over me.
I just worry you might think I might forget you or worse, think I am forgetting you…
You know, I looked at your autopsy pictures the other day. I am not 100% sure on why I did? I think I needed that closure that I needed to get rid of the romantic idea that 3 years from now you’re not going to be standing on my front porch telling me, it’s all ok and that they only thing that kept you alive all this time was my love. After seeing those pictures (that were incredibly graphic) I realized at that moment, I was slapped very hard in the face with life and that, that idea just wasn’t going to happen… and that you truly are gone.
Damn it Joshua – I love you so much, I am so proud of you – why couldn’t things happen differently? That day really wasn’t supposed to happen. I remember talking to you and hearing the concern in your voice.
Please baby, one more time… let me see you one more time… in my dreams. Just so I know everything is ok – and I, I can tell you I love you one more time.
All my love,
B”

I haven’t opened or read anything I have written in couple of years. When I decided to start the outline to my book (title to be determined) I pulled out my journal so I could put parts of it in there and to relive some of the pain I went through. The brain does amazing things of blocking certain traumatic events and emotions from you, so that you can continue moving forward.

After reading this entry, I remember the day I got the dream (or visit). It was 2 October 2013, 2 days before I was supposed to move to Tennessee to start a new life. I had my house packed and was sleeping on a mattress on the floor with my dog, Cooper Hero.

I had finished everything up that evening, got into bed to read a bit and then to end it with a journal entry. I had been having so many doubts and fears about moving and attempting a new chance at life and love, asking myself, “Am I making the right choice? Does Joshua think I moving on and not caring?” I had prayed and prayed and prayed for a sign that I was doing all the right things.

I snuggled down, closed my eyes, fell fast asleep and then it happened… I smelled him, I opened my eyes and there he was sitting on the end of my bed, looking as handsome as ever. I wanted to throw my arms around him and tell myself this all must have been a dream. But, I couldn’t physically touch him… I sat there with tears running down my face, praying that moment would never end… I looked up, he did his little crooked smile, his eyes piercing my soul and said, “I have been watching you all this time, I have been proud of how you picked up and continued living… you can’t stay here and cry every night.” I screamed and told him I needed him here and I didn’t want to do anything different and why did he have to leave me?? He leaned forward and said, “love brought us together, and bad timing tore us apart. I can’t stay long, I have to tell you that you need to continue living; I will be with you every step of the way… I never left you. I am always right here with you. I love you.”

I never told anyone about this dream/visit; afraid so many people would think I was just plain crazy. I had been wanting a visit, a sign, something to tell me that everything I am doing was the right choice and that no matter where I went or what I did he would be right there beside me the whole time. I had so many people tell me that Joshua visited them and I would get so angry, angry because I was his wife, angry because our future was taken from us, angry because everyone on this flipping earth was happy and living and I was trying to piece myself back together again. I just wanted one sign and for the love all that is good, I wanted a visit!

When Joshua visited me I had a peace come over me like I never had before. Even now, when I am doubting, scared or just on the brink of losing my mind… I go back to October 2^nd and I can still hear his voice and what he told me. So much of me went with Joshua when he died, but I slowly started coming into my own and being “Brittany” not just a “widow.” I’ve changed. Forever. Permanently. My soul and heart are fuller in brokenness than it ever was without. I’ve learned true despair, and it’s made me learn to appreciate true joy.

I haven’t had an actual visit from Joshua since that day… but there are times when I am having a really hard day, I get a glimpse of him, a whiff of him or something just happens and I smile, look up and say, “I know that was You.”

People may not always understand what I am doing, or think they would do things differently if they were in my shoes… but, I have come to grips that it doesn’t matter what people think… they have never seen the darkness like I have, they have never wanted to give up life so quickly, they have never had to say goodbye to their other half. I had a visit from Joshua and my heart is forever grateful for that moment.

I will never stop remembering or honoring you. Thank you for helping me become the woman I am today!

This is one of my favorite pictures. A few days before we got married while we were in Colorado Springs.