There’s that occasional night where you just break down and cry Because you know that no matter what, Things will never be the same again.

The last year has given me a fistful of emotions, questions and all around ass kicking. Everything I have been through, I have to be honest – this one has been the toughest (I think I say this every year). I’ve learned a lot this year … we are not meant to stay wounded. We are supposed to move through our tragedies and life adversities to help one another move forward through the painful moments. By remaining stuck in the power of our wounds and pain, we block our own transformation, we overlook the gifts we inherit in our wounds – the strength to overcome them and the lessons that we are meant to receive through them. Wounds are meant to teach us to become compassionate and wise.

I have been so afraid of moving forward with so many things because I never wanted people to feel like I have forgotten Joshua. What people fail to understand, that is not how grief works… grief is a never ending revolving door that comes at the most inopportune moments to hit you in the face, bring you to your knees and re-evaluate everything you have ever done since the day your life changed forever.

I now sit back and think about everything I have overcome through grief, making major life changes, bringing life into this world and being told some of the most horrific things I think no human should ever hear. I think about how I wanted to give up my own life, because how could I live life without Joshua? What was I supposed to do?

I now look in the face of my son and realize that God had a bigger picture planned for me. I gave up on God when Joshua was taken from me. I was so angry for so many different reasons… I would stand next to friends getting married and rage with anger because of their happiness… I would stop talking to friends who were growing families because I was not able to do that anymore … I didn’t know where I belonged in life after Joshua left me.

God gave me a second chance at life and love with Matthew. Then I had Lane and I am pretty certain any doubt, fear or anger I had left in me… left my heart for good. It was the day I saw God and knew that there were bigger plans for me on this planet that didn’t involve comparing myself to everyone else.

I have written many things about finding myself. I have written about the postpartum depression I had after Lane and the guilt I have suffered because I was moving forward with my life and having a child that is not Joshua’s kind of puts the icing on the cake for emotions and heart.

This year, at this moment I have come to terms with the fact that, what I have been through doesn’t define who I am. It has been apart of who I have become, but isn’t the person I have to be. I had the hardest time with introducing myself to new people and somehow getting my point across that I was a widow… well, yes I am a widow.. I have come to learn I am more than widow – I’m also a fiancé, a mom, a horse fanatic, book nerd and the list goes on. I have come to terms that one word… “WIDOW”… does not define the person I have to be, it doesn’t dictate how my life should be lived. I have so much to offer this world and I have a lot of life to live. Holding back because I am “supposed” to be a widow doesn’t achieve anything at all.

Living as a word only holds onto the wounds that are meant to heal, shape me into the stronger, braver person I need to be. Living as a word holds me back as a role model to my son – how can I teach him to never give up, don’t let pain take over, be the person God meant you to be.

This year has taught me many things and I went into some pretty dark places… however, with the love and support of God and so many amazing people in my life I have realized I am not just a word. I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to live the life Joshua wanted me to live. I am keeping every promise and sure as hell have no reason to stop now. I will forever love and remember my beloved husband.

This year I have learned to not give up. Be an example. Make a change & be the change in this world. Never lose faith. I am more than my wounds and  what one word defines me as. I am brave. I am me. I am a warrior and am excited as hell about 2017.

Carpe the Hell Out of Diem You Beautiful Souls.